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dear reader,
when i was 19 years old i moved to new york city to chase all my wildest dreams. i packed up my life and boarded the flight not knowing a single person in this giant city, other than my mom who was walking right beside me holding directions to my new apartment we both had never seen. those few days we were busy painting, buying a bed, desk, toothpaste and everything else to make up my home while navigating our way through the city's maze of underground transportation. she tried to hide her tears as she hugged me goodbye and walked out the pretty iron doors leaving me to live all the unknown. (nervous+anxious+giddy)
the salon i initially had a job lined up with did not feel good when i sat down to meet them; that was the first time i cried here. i couldn't work somewhere i did not love, but i also could not be jobless in this big city by myself. my mom was the first one i called when i landed the job @BUMBLE. (disbelief+ecstatic+grateful)
my first day starting as a color apprentice would begin the first day i got back from china. i was used to wearing all black, it had been my dress code since starting hair school and working at the sushi restaurant my two years in utah. what i wasn't used to was the three stories of head spinning creativity and beautiful hair.
(overwhelmed+awestruck+giddy)
i was at the very best salon to learn, one that was well known globally for their work and training program. it was there i learned that there was no limit to what you create with color and my mind exploded with all of the opportunity that was placed right at my fingertips. long days, client orders to the cafe, applying capes and base cream, mixing endless bowls of color and shampooing until my hands bled (literally) it was exhausting. i was trying to absorb all i was seeing: the formulas, the art of painting, the the magic of the gloss, all while sitting the next client, mixing for the current, grabbing a magazine for the other and shampooing the fourth. mondays were our days to practice and prove our progress. compliments were seldom, their method of "constructive criticism" wore on me. if my color was flawless, then it was something personal my manager attacked. riding my bike through central park to work in the mornings became the only refreshing part of my days that march. i was trying to keep up with all that was required and found myself having to defend my faith with all the controversy over propeight. especially since the new assitant switch had newly placed me with the most liberal black gay man ever.

(aching+sad+wistful)
my dad was visiting when i walked out the doors that night and sobbed. i didn't know if there was anymore i could give. i questioned if i really had it in me. he wrapped his arms around me and told me he loved me and he believed in me. that hug is what pushed me through the next few weeks trying to fight off all the personal attacks this man was making. i was so worn out on the corporate garbage that was taking over bumble... i just wanted to color hair. not all the days were gloomy, i loved the chats we had eating on the stoop upstairs and laughing at ridiculously crotchety clients. but this man was pulling out all the stops and his close friendship with the manager of the color floor led to my "letting go" that coming may. rubi and i walked out with tears strolling off our face that night in disbelief. everyone loved me there minus one and some of the sparse compliments i had heard were unique ones- i was special, a natural and that there was something about me people were attracted to and that would take me far. every single person i had worked side by side with on that color floor all those days supported me, complaints were made, sides were taken, but in the end that one man and the power of the manager won. i gracefully walked out after giving my hugs goodbye and cleared out my locker and walked home devastated.
(broken+stunned+expended)
i knelt down humbled that night crushed that my talent and well liked personality could not keep me afloat above the hate in the world, jealousy, and conflict with my personal beliefs. that night as i knelt to pray the feeling of peace completely overwhlemed me. i took the summer off and got a part time job @anthropologie. i got the break i needed and my spirits were so lifted. everything fell into place when i got a call from larry later that summer. he had just left bumble that spring and partnered up with bumble's head colorist of fifteen years, victoria, to open their own salon in the west village. i started my first day the week of my twenty first birthday. when i blew out those candles on that cupcake i was convinced i was the happiest girl alive. i was surrounded by the best friends i  had ever known, singing me happy birthday and dancing in pretty dresses and bowties. the whittemore house has been a dream. flattered they had called me bumbles loss and immediately snatched me up to be part of their team, i once again was consumed with my passion for hair color and this time i was appreciated and saw it more magnified than ever before. every magazine i flipped through had our work in it, every day seemed sunny, and the love that pulled me all the way across the country lived everywhere in this salon.
(excited+relieved+passionate)
at the first of november i checked myself into an eating disorder clinic in reno nevada. the addiction had twisted it's way into my life and was starting to take over. despite all the happiness and good things i had going for me, i could not fight this disorder by myself. it was a secret that after having kept for a year to myself i could not keep any longer. i flew out of the city i had fallen so in love with to face the hardest trial i had experienced in my life. 24 hour a day therapy, lack of physical movement and contact with the outside world was so so trying; to say the least, and has also shaped me into more of a woman now than i had ever been before. i sat in a circle holding hands with some of the most extraordinary women i have met and was wished off into a happy life and with all their love and support. i landed back in new york city this january and finally felt like i was home again. i have since remained one of the 8% of recovering eating disordered women to not relapse and have been living my life more fully than ever before. i discovered so much about who i am as a woman and about life and people, that has been so rewarding and uncovered everything inside me that i had always longed to become.
(humbled+wisdom+successful)
i jumped back into my career with more life than ever before. easy, would not be a good word choice for the days since leaving reno. life always seems to be throwing a hurdle when least expected but i now have it inside me to cope and  my talent for looking at life and people for the better will always remain a part of who i am. i have learned to acknowledge the days and situations in life that are not happy still while being genuinely happy myself.
(refreshed+happy+authentic)
two weeks ago i was asked to bring in models all day on mondays and told that i wasn't going to be supervised, they just wanted to see my work on my own for the next six months. this past monday after i had completed my last model vic took me over to talk to me. it was only my second day on my own and she then gave me some of the most treasured compliments i have received concerning my talent and then told me that six months was much too long and that i was ready to be on the floor and be named a colorist in their salon.
(loss of breath+twitterpated+astonished)
reaching my dream of what i came out here to achieve has led me to reflect on the past 18 months and all they have brought me. it has been an adventure to say the least, some of the lowest lows and many many more of the highest highs. i have tasted the bitter and could not imagine the sweet ever getting more sweet. moments i questioned if i had made the right decision, if leaving my family in the middle of all the crumbling and just wondering if i could really do it in spite of my disorder and all the other human weaknesses, melted away in that moment when she told me that i had made it. that everything i had been working so hard for just became my reality. after tearful hugs in the salon, phone calls to family and going out with friends to celebrate @shakeshack, i came home and sobbed. just sobbed i was so overwhelmed with happiness.
i would not take back a single minute that has brought me to where i am today and i fear to express my thank you's and gratitude to everyone that has supported me, loved me, believed in me, and just been there for me because i worry that you will not be able to feel it as much as i do. from the bottom of my heart, thank you. i could never have done it without all of you and it has meant the world to me. i really am the happiest and luckiest girl alive.
crazy, naive, or living on pure faith... whatever people called it when i moved here on that warm august day. i am here. and i am so excited for all the many chances and surprises life has to offer me in the future. cheers to this being a whole new adventure and the beginning of many more happy moments to come and add to my anything but ordinary life!

all my love, aubrey