eye goo+no regrets

"Maybe mistakes are what make our fate...without them what would shape our lives? Maybe if we had never veered off course we wouldn't fall in love, have babies, or be who we are. After all, things change, so do cities, people come into your life and they go. But it's comforting to know that the ones you love are always in your heart...and if you're very lucky, a plane ride away." -CB

i had an eye infection last week. it was a little goopy and red and not annoying at all (but it really was annoying and thats my annoyed face photographed) the doctor said i would pass the infection if i went to work so i got sent home and had to stay the next one too. so i did what any person would do, i ignored my lengthy to-do list and just relaxed. and i  missed being in vegas. i wished they would've diagnosed me one day earlier before i boarded that red-eye flight back so i could be there again,  sitting on the tennis court with lights strung up high above us. lighting up the sky just enough so we  could sit in a circle and laugh at funny stories of the past or what the unknown our futures may bring. mostly just enjoying being there. together. and i wondered if it was all a mistake. me moving to new york city and chasing all my wild dreams. because i missed my dear family right then. and then that got my thoughts really reeling... what if it was a mistake? and if it was then what else was a mistake too?


bumble+bumble. riverside drive. all the red eye flights. being blond. that pricey pair of heels. recovery. moving more than a neighbor away.  paddling out to the middle of the lake under the stars. was it too soon? handwritten poetry and a second chance. omelets and hummus. space. maybe it'd be a mistake to leave my career one day to start a family. or stay inside on a rainy day and watch movies instead of worrying about being responsible and getting things done. i could wonder my life away and question it all...


but that just seems silly. and i just can not help but think that none of it has been a mistake anyway. because, i would not take any of it back. and is that what mistake means? you wish you had a giant eraser to scrub it out of your life with? i guess you can call moments like that mistakes, it's all in how you look at it maybe?  i think what i have decided is that if i have made any mistake in my life, it has been living. to the very fullest. blindly  just jumping into it with faith and a sprinkle of adrenaline; not knowing where i will land.  all of those mistakes, they have made me who i am. and i do not have any regrets. 


it does not mean that i have always landed on a pile of clouds and sunshine... sometimes when you jump into the unknown, you find yourself in some really painful flower bushes. the ones with long stems and lots of thorns that florists charge a lot for. and the ones that stick in your side and make it hard to breathe. but i have learned that if you stay there for too long feeling sorry for yourself they just start to cut you even more. so you just tilt your head up to where the flower blooms up top and you sit on that for a while and appreciate that big leap and how good it felt along the way. and all the really great things you learned. soon enough, that is all that is left to see of that rose bush- all the pretty petals and the sweet scent it gives off. and that is what pushes you along to your next adventure... this time you're even stronger than before, and you can leap a little further into bigger dreams and better adventures or just one where you better belong.


because life is too short to be one of those people that let fear paralyze them into a stalemate. into a life where they are left wishing they would have, could have,  and realizing they missed out once it's too far gone. tip toeing along may eventually lead you to something happy, but why settle for that when you can take a chance at something incredible?


at the end of the day or through all my mistakes, and all this rambling- i know one thing is certain:
it's comforting to know that the ones i love are always in my heart... and because i am very lucky, a plane ride away.